Advice From an Adoption Advocate: Don't Do It!

I love to take pictures of my children. I love to show the world their beautiful, happy faces, and their cute little outfits as they frolic together happily. Because, honestly, who wants to advertise to the world that adoption isn’t always beautiful and perfect? How many people would line up to watch a video of my son having his daily melt-down? Who wants to hear about my daughter lying for the 3,011 time for absolutely no reason, or read about how my kids find something to argue about ALL. OF. THE. TIME! As an adoption advocate, how many families am I going to convince to adopt a child when talking about how many of my adoptive mama friends currently have children in the hospital, or who have actually lost a child? Who will want to take the risk of forever changing their family if I share how many times I hear stories of children coming home with RAD, or other trauma related issues? No one wants to hear about families that aren’t bonding with their child, or who wish they had never heard of adoption.

If I tell you that I am so often filled with guilt; guilt when I can tell my husband is overwhelmed because of these children that I begged him for, guilt when my new little girls have to spend part of every day listening to their brother with autism rage, guilt for stooping to an 8 year olds behavior myself sometimes, guilt for not making the effort to have local friends, or return phone calls because I just don’t have it in me, does that make you want to sign right up for adoption? Let me tell you something. Adoption is hard. It just is. Parenting an adopted child is very often hard. As adoptive parents we spend a good portion of the year or years before with this dream of what our child will be like, and how he or she will fit into our family. We might worry at times about the what-ifs, but we try not to go there. Sometimes the child that comes home with us is who we thought we signed up for, and sometimes not. We take classes and read books in preparation to understand our child and better parent them when they come into our family, but no amount of learning and reading ahead of time is necessarily going to prepare us for some of the possible issues we may encounter. 

So, how can I advocate knowing that a family’s life might be forever changed for the worse if they take this leap of faith called adoption? Well, here I am as an advocate telling you - don’t do it! Don’t do it unless you are willing to give everything, lose everything for this child. When I was a younger parent, I wasn’t ready to make the sacrifices that I am having to now for my family. I never thought I would parent children with Autism, or Down-syndrome. I never would have thought that I had it in me to do so. But God knew better. My first international adoption was supposed to be for a healthy infant, but instead was my almost two year old son that would later be diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. And although he can be such a joy at times, he can also make my life a living hell. But you know what? I went back for more! It didn’t say, ‘Oh, my goodness, I never signed up for this, and I am certainly not going back for more children who might be a further strain on my life!” Instead I realized, ‘I can do this!’ and, “I want to do this!” I have also thought so many times about what might have happened had our son been matched with another family that didn’t love him as much as we do. Would they have tolerated his behavior, or would he have been reduced to nothing emotionally without our support? So, not only did we go back for more, but we went back for four more. We counted the cost, and decided we wanted to give it all. Why? Because they are worth the risk and even the possibility that your family may never be the same again. Because much of the world doesn’t think they are even worthy enough to live. Because once you have seen the difference a family (even a dysfunctional family) can have on a child, you want to see it happen again and again. 

So, when I post pictures of those darling little babies with Down-syndrome, can I guarantee you that they are going to be delightful human beings that will be wonderful additions to your family? No. Can I tell you that they won’t also come with autism, or heart defects, or that they will never have leukemia or Alzheimers? No. Their presence could very well hurt your marriage, end friendships, and make you feel like you are losing your sanity. Am I trying to pull the wool over your eyes by posting these computer enhanced pictures of these darling children, or showing you only the happy side of our own family? No. They need families who will make a difference, who will give everything, and risk everything, even if it means losing everything they once had. But as much as I long for these children to have a family, as much as it pains me to see some of them wait month after month, year after year, I also implore you - don’t do it! Don’t adopt, don’t bring these little lives into your own life unless you are willing to lose everything for their sakes.  “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:25