Shattered Families in Adoption

I love adoption. Adoption is my life through my family, and my advocacy. It hurts me terribly that international adoptions are dwindling. But because I love adoption, I want to see it whole and pure. For families to have post placement support. To have somewhere to go when their lives are shattered because of a child that has become theirs through adoption. 

For years I was blissfully ignorant of most of the negative aspects of adoption. Not that my own adoption experiences have been all rainbows and unicorns, but nothing close to what I would discover some families were experiencing. After having already adopted 6 children, and finding that at our age and family size foster/adoption was not going to be an option for us, we looked into adopting from dissolution, which we would end up doing a couple of months later. As I entered the realm of dissolved adoptions, I stumbled into a world of darkness that I never dreamed existed. 

These weren’t just families who gave up too quickly and didn’t have it in them. These were broken families in extreme crisis. Now, I am not saying that there aren’t situations where a family had unrealistic expectations or was not properly educated and prepared, but the majority of the stories I would hear were from families who could never have imagined what was in store for them. For these families dissolution wasn't even an option because their child would have been dangerous in pretty much any home. Why haven’t you heard about these families? Why are these stories hidden? Because families are scared of the judgement that comes when they dare to say publicly that their adoption has not had a happily ever after. This means that the ability to learn from these situations will never happen, and more families will have similar experiences. More families will be shattered. 

You are wondering what kind of situations I am talking about. Many of us have children who rage, lie, manipulate, etc. Am I talking about this sort of thing? No. What I am talking about is families who have children that have actually become a danger to their family. Perhaps they have RAD or other trauma based issues, or FASD from a birthmother who drank. Maybe they were sexually abused in their orphanage or even used for prostitution before their new families found them. Whatever the case, some of these children actually become a danger to their families. Whether it is threatening/endangering their very lives, or continuing the chain of sexual abuse to members of their new families, they have brought a very real hell to the lives of their new family members. 

Here is where it gets worse. There is no help for these families! If the family is somewhat wealthy they might be able to send the child away to a private facility while the money holds out in order to keep their family safe. But what about those for whom that is not an option? There are RTFs or Residential Treatment Facilities, but these are temporary, not open to children of all ages, and from my understanding not beneficial in any way. CPS? That would have been my guess at one time. Shouldn’t they help? No again. CPS is about reunifying families. You might be able to remove your dangerous child from your home temporarily, but they eventually want that child back in your home at all cost, or they will say that you are negligent parents and take away other children in your home. 

So, what’s the answer for these families? Honestly, I have no idea. But I am determined to help find a way to make a difference in the system. I do know that these families need to be able to share what’s happening to them so that they can get the support they deserve from other adoptive families without fear of judgement, and so that other families can learn from their experiences. So that more families won't become shattered.