Suspended in Air

I remember many years ago going to “California World” at Disney Land back when our family was much smaller. There was one ride that absolutely terrified me. It wasn’t the kind of ride you would think I was talking about. Not one of those huge crazy roller coasters that does the upside-down loops. It was the Ferris wheel. Now obviously you’re not very likely to die on a Ferris wheel compared to some of the other more dramatic rides out there, but where I totally freak out is that feeling of being completely out of control. Like when the Ferris wheel car is swinging (and this one did a sliding back and forth as well!) and you feel that weightlessness. You know what I mean? The car swings up, and then for what seems like minutes more than seconds, your body feels like it has been thrown up into the sky, and you are just waiting there suspended in the air until it comes back down to see what the outcome will be. To me it is terrifying!

It shouldn’t surprise me too much that this is what is hardest for me to experience at the amusement park, because it is also one of the hardest things I deal with in life in general. Being out of control. The uncertainty. Early on in my marriage it was infertility that totally consumed me. Never knowing why I struggled to conceive a second child. Never knowing if I would ever be able to in the future. Seven wonderful adopted children later, there are new kinds of fears that come from feeling that things are always ‘up in the air’ so to speak. So many days when my heart and brain want to go to that place where I worry and think, “How in the world is this all going to turn out!?” We are older parents this time around with our younger crew, to children who have physical, neurological, emotional, and developmental needs, and some may need long term care. We prepare as much as we can, but some days the, “What happens if…?” sort of questions can still plague my soul. What if something happens to one of us, or heaven forbid both of us? Will our children be able to become happy, functioning adults, if not independently then at least contentedly?

I know I am not alone in the fear of the unknown, or lack of control. I have heard that children who have experienced trauma before being fostered or adopted have a horrible fear of being out of control. They often feel better about creating their own bad outcome than facing the possibility that something or someone else will cause the bottom to fall out. I imagine many of us doing the same thing on a smaller scale as adults, forcing an outcome so that we can have a solution/closure instead of the dreadful unknown. 

For those who are suspended in air waiting to see if their child or spouse will succumb to a disease, they might never come down for a soft landing. And that is something we do have to think about. What if I actually do fall out of that Ferris wheel car? What if that son that is on drugs never gets clean and ends up in an overdose? What if I lose my health, my job, my house or my child. What if everything just comes crashing down? But we can’t live our lives in fear either. Yes, I believe in a God that is always there, even when I am swaying through the air in an amusement park ride, or contemplating all of the possible outcomes in life. I know that His eye never leaves me, and that He carries me in the palm of His hand. That doesn’t mean that He will protect me from every bad thing that could happen in life. How could it? Bad things happen to good people, to people who love and believe in Him. He doesn’t promise that he will keep us from suffering, but that He will be there for us in this world to strengthen us through it. It doesn’t mean that our world won’t come crashing down, but that His love for us will never cease, and that for those who love Him there will be a place that He has prepared for us where we will forever be safe and secure.

I am not proud to say that I seriously begged the ride attendant to let me out of that Ferris wheel when we came back down from our first turn, but I did, and she did! I was so grateful and determined never to put myself that position again. But you don’t have to look for these opportunities to feel out of control. They will find you. And truly there is no way to know for certain what the outcome of any day or hour will be. Only our Creator can know that. So, when I start feeling that weightless out of control feeling, I have to remind myself to live in the moment. To take it one hour, one day at a time. And I have to remember that I might not have a smooth landing in this lifetime, but I know that my ultimate resting place will be pure heaven.