Is Special Needs Adoption Right for You?

Is Special needs adoption right for your family? And if so, what level of special needs should you consider? Some families with huge hearts take the great leap of faith to be open to special needs of any extreme without seriously evaluating if special needs adoption is right for them, or which special need is best for their family. There is a difference in a leap of faith and being realistic about whether special needs adoption is right for your family. 

That being said let me backpedal a little a little bit and say that this isn’t a concrete or black and white statement. Sometimes families have no idea what they are made of until they are in the midst of a special needs adoption. In our case, our first international adoption was supposed to be for a non-special needs boy. Instead our adopted son would later be diagnosed with Autism/ADHD, and I believe some emotional issues stemming from early trauma. Back then, almost ten years ago, neither my husband or I would have ever believed that we would fully embrace special needs adoption and adopt five more children with special needs. Later we would adopt our daughter with Hydrocephalus, having never previously heard of the diagnosis. Over the months leading up to bringing her home we would do research on Hydrocephalus and what to look for as far as signs that her shunt might be failing. Honestly, though, her medical diagnosis (which would also include the addition of mild CP once home) has been very minor compared to those issues that came with bringing home a child who at seven had grown up in an institution, bringing home institutional behaviors that she had learned throughout her life up to that point. 

With that caveat in place, let me continue by reasserting that families should ideally examine themselves and their family situation before going down the path of adoption. I will start by saying that I believe EVERY adoption to be special needs in some form. Your child’s listed special need (or even lack of) is often the least of their issues once they are home. What do I mean by this? Even a child adopted at birth could possibly have experienced trauma in the womb. Don’t think this matters? I could point you to several adoptive mamas who would tell you otherwise. Whether your child will have grown up in the foster system, or an institution in another country, they will have been affected by their time and experience up to the time they came to you. I asked a large group of adoptive parents recently what their child’s listed special need was, and what need they were most dealing with now. The majority said that the original listed need was not the main issue they struggled with. 

So, which special needs or depth of special needs are right for your family? Let’s start with practicalities. First of all if you are looking for a child with, “Minor Special Needs” you really want to consider that these needs might not be as minor as you are hoping they might be. Cleft Lip/Cleft Palate, Heart Issues, and Albinism are some issues that I have heard placed in that box of needs, and the physical and emotional issues that can come with these diagnosis are something that families need to be completely prepared for.  If you are considering a child with more obvious special needs, are you willing and ready to accommodate them? For example, if your child requires a wheel chair, is your home and source of transportation adequately set up for one, or will you need make some pretty large modifications to be prepared? Are you open to dealing with Gtubes, catheters or trachs? And what about cognitive delays? Oh, the child’s file said they were up to their typical peers cognitive levels? Let me tell you that very few children who have grown up in an institutional setting are going to be cognitively on target. If they are already school age, this can make it very tricky to place them with their age group in school. 

It’s also important to think about things like your support system and resources available. Your support system is built up of those who are going to be there for you emotionally and physically once your child is home. It is great to have friends on social media that pray for and encourage you, (I couldn’t do it without my FB friends!), but ideally you will have friends and family nearby who are enthusiastic about your child and are there to give you a break on occasion when you need time alone or with your spouse. (I admit that our family is very lacking in local support. We are making it, even with 6 young special needs kiddos at home, but it’s often tough, and date nights nonexistent!) 

The next thing to consider is available medical resources.  Do you have plenty of time in your schedule to take your child to any medical appointments or therapies that their special need might require? Do you live close to good medical care centers, or would you need to drive several hours to access one? What if your child is diagnosed with an additional need such as a heart issue once home? Living near a big city with various medical centers is great, but if you live in a rural area this might be much more difficult and might require hours of travel in order to see a specialist.  And what about financially? Do you have great medical insurance that will cover any of your child’s special needs?  Sure you might be able to pull off an expensive adoption with grants and fundraising, but what about once they are home? Are you able to comfortably stretch your budget if something unforeseen comes up? 

Part of being a special need’s parent is administrative. Are you ready to be your child’s advocate and champion as far as making medical appointments throughout the year, dealing with insurance, getting services at school set up, meetings and paperwork year after year to make sure your child’s need are being met? Is your school system a great one for special needs, and if not are you willing and able to relocate to find one that is? What about counseling services for your child, your family, or yourself. Believe it or not, you may very well need them, and it’s important to identify these ahead of time, before you are in the midst of some major struggles.

Are you willing to steer away from friends or family members who might not support your adoption or your child’s special need, or who might even speak negatively about your child in front of them? Do you have issues from your past that you need to deal with that adopting a child with special needs might bring to the surface again? Do you have an easy going personality, or will a child who doesn’t eventually conform to your biological children’s demeanor and behavior going to be a real struggle for you? Are you ready to parent your new child differently than your biological children? To throw almost everything you have ever learned about parenting out the window and parent them according to their needs? Are you willing and able to parent them into adulthood if that is what you discover they will need?

Before jumping in emotionally and enthusiastically to special needs adoption, do your homework. Research the special needs that you are considering. Groups such as Fb group https://www.facebook.com/groups/883306798366624/ are great for looking into various special needs. There are also many groups that are specific to an individual special need once you are matched with a child diagnosed with that need. Make sure that you and your spouse are completely on the same page as far as adopting and the specific special needs. Encourage your spouse to be as involved in the process and the education as you are. Both of you definitely need to do some self searching to make sure that there are no personal issues that you need to deal with first. Consider things like birth order as well if you have other children at home. 

Special needs adoption is not for everyone. I am not saying that you shouldn’t push yourself to do hard things, or that it’s not worth it! I am not saying that it’s better for a child to grow up tied to a bed than to have you as a parent. Yes, consider adopting a child with special needs. Talk to other families who have adopted. Search yourself to see if this is something you and your family might be willing and able to do. Special needs adoption can be an amazing blessing to your biological children as well as you and your spouse. Research specific special needs (again remembering that there is likely going to be much more to your child’s story than what is listed). What I am saying is that this child will need you to be so much for him or her. They will need you to be willing to sacrifice, to grow and stretch for them. To throw all of your expectations out the window, and to be in it for the long haul. Stretch yourself to new heights!  But don’t reach and stretch farther than your family is capable, causing your adopted special needs child to come crashing down along with the rest of your family. Make sure that your family’s is completely prepared to embrace every aspect of your child’s special needs, because a heart full of love may not be enough.