Room to Grow

 Whenever anyone tells me how amazing my husband and I are to have brought home all of or our special needs children, I always try to turn it around and explain how amazing God is, and what a blessing our children have been to us. Nowadays, though, I feel like adding, “and if you only knew how not-great I am at it most of the time, you wouldn’t be so quick with your praise!” Even in those earlier years, I knew it wasn’t that I had anything heroic within me; just a willing heart and the grace of God. Back then, though, I could at least tell myself I was doing a pretty decent job at this special needs parenting thing. Yes, I had to deal with regular IEP meetings at school, lots of doctor’s appointments, and behavioral issues at home. However, there were also things like having a house cleaner come in once a week, an occasional mother’s helper, and those blissful hours after they all got on the bus to count as my own.

Now as I continue, I want you to understand that so many of the changes that have occurred in the last couple of years have been a blessing in disguise. We decided to homeschool during the ‘pandemic’, and have by choice continued on since. I have seen my children blossom academically and otherwise because of that decision. I am also grateful to have my husband home every single day since he decided to take early retirement from his job. Having my best friend always by my side and as a help with the kids has been incredible.

Here is the ‘less than’ part, though. The part where I so often feel guilt and lacking as a parent. If I am honest I have to say that I don’t love homeschooling. I am adequate at it at best on occasion. I should be spending more time homeschooling. I shouldn’t let my emotions rise and yell at my ‘older students’ while homeschooling. I should spend more time reading books to my younger kids. I just don’t have the gumption. For years I kept the house clean to the standards in which I was raised without help. I finally ‘allowed myself’ to get a maid when we brought child number 6 and 7 home, and we only had one for a couple of years. Now that we are on a reduced income, I have chosen just to lower my standards, and dread when I find out someone might be coming over because I am too prideful to allow anyone to see my home less that perfect. I look at the piles of laundry that need to be done after a morning of working with the kids, and I think about how I just want to go and crawl into my bed with a good book, and forget how inadequate I feel.

So, why am I writing this? Part of it is that writing out my thoughts and feelings is a sort of therapy for me. Part of it is that I think that maybe there is another mom out there that feels the same. Who might not love homeschooling, or be the best at it, but still firmly believes it is the best choice for her children. It also helps me come to this conclusion in the end; That maybe this is the Lord’s way of bringing me deeper into humility. Of drawing closer to Him and relying on Him more than myself. He’s not asking me to give more of myself than I have to give. He is only to ask me to love deeply and give as much as I can. He is reminding me that it is not I in my weakness, but He in His strength that will bring these children through to their full potential in the end.