Room to Grow

 I am reading a great book right now on parenting kids with a background of trauma. It is called, “Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, “ by Robyn Gobbel. It’s a book I wish I had been able to read about 7 years ago when I first started encountering some pretty ‘baffling’ behaviors in our home. While the author doesn’t deal with behaviors as extreme as RAD, I have found that she nails two of my sons’ personalities. One falls into the category she calls the “Watchdog”, and the other is definitely a “Possum.”  These two have very different personalities, and require very different parental reactions to the behaviors that come from their ways of dealing with felt danger. I am so thankful for the realization that my sons are not unique in their behaviors, and I’m also grateful for the tools that the author supplies to help me parent them in a better way. 

I am also beginning to understand some things about myself while reading this book. I am discovering which behaviors in my children trigger my own negative behaviors. I am realizing (more so than ever) that I am parenting 6 children who each have their own baggage from their earliest years, and who each require a different emotional response from me to meet their needs and help them grow. If you are experiencing this in your own home then you understand how emotionally taxing this can be. If not, then it might be hard to understand me as a person. You see I also carry my own personal baggage, as I am sure most people do. I have my own ‘watchdog’ and ‘possum’ behaviors that lead me to either lash out, or shut down depending on the catalyst. 

For the most part, my early baggage combined with regularly trying to meet the needs of my children brings out the ‘possum’ in me. In my own way I shut down in the form of shutting out anything else that might tax me emotionally. At that point my bucket is full. In my mind at least I simply can’t fathom doing one more thing, or interacting with one more person that might require something of me. For instance, some people find it helps them emotionally to talk to someone one the phone. While I enjoy talking to people face to face, for some strange psychological reason, no matter how much I like the person on the other line, phone conversations stresses me out a great deal. Usually I am fine once I am actually talking to someone on the phone, but the very thought of making a call or answering a call is sometimes more than I can handle on a given day. 

I’m only half way through this amazing book, but I know that there is a segment coming about how to train our own parent brain to better deal with our stress response system. Hopefully as I learn how to respond better to the emotional needs of each of my children, I will be able to better recognize where some of my own weaknesses are coming from. If I can help my kids to feel more secure and minimize their emotional behaviors, there is a chance that I might not only do a better job parenting, but help gain some ground in dealing with perceived stress better myself.